Evil 101-10

How to make people want what you got.

GOOD MORNING, you malingering pukes! It is I, Doctor Disturbious, and I have come forth today with yet another winning strategy to get your name remembered with fear and trepidation! Or at least mild fear and some trepidation, if you sorry sacks are willing to put in the effort!

Now it’s not unreasonable in today’s day and age that you can build a reputation for yourself on social media, by knocking over trashcans or jumping out naked in front of bread trucks. And that’s fine, I suppose, for a generation that is sadly represented by stretch-banded T and A, implants, stupid people with stretch-band implants in their T and A, airheads, and other losers who happen to have been molded by a corporate marketing machine into some kind of prefab plasticine crotch-monster. And then it seems like every damnable song that pours out of those poor defenseless speakers is talking about getting on the floor. On the floor. On the floor. Get on the floor. On the dance floor on the floor on the floor on the floor on the floor on the floor. When a real villain has to only to speak once GET ON THE DAMN FLOOR AND STAY THERE YOU MOBILE VIALS OF URIC ACID, OR I”LL BLOW YOU #$%ING BRAINS OUT THEN PRETEND THEY WERE VALUABLE!!

There see? I only needed to say it once and the point came across.

So! The first thing we need to do is to define our unique platform. Well, let’s break it down shall we? So what do you do? Yes you. Stop cringing when I talk to you. Never mind. Keep cringing and just answer. You maim animals. Typical. I am molding the future minds of those who will rise up and challenge gods in battle and we get MOLD! Yes I know. “Yes, Dr. D we all have to start somewhere.” Try starting somewhere competent. You know. For a change? Maybe? Yes?

Stop sniveling. Your platform should be awe inspiring, powerful and at the very least stand a chance of getting caught. What kind of sicko attacks without the thrill of being hunted? We are molding villain’s here, not juvenile delinquents. Low standards everywhere. Makes me so sad I COULD JUST FIRE OFF A HAIL OF BULLETS!!

Alright, that done, a unique platform is what you have that others don’t. Anyone can hold up a sign that says “will work for food” and that’s a platform. It’s a start. You certainly are capable of work. You certainly want food. But let’s say you want better food, because better food is better for you. You can hold up a sign that says, “will work for healthy eating choices.” This platform is a little long, and people might be confused by it. Possibly offering you jobs for pamphlets about dietary lifestyles, which CAN be eaten if nothing else presents itself, since most of them are printed on the same material you find in Hot Pockets.™ So perhaps some kind of skill should be expected so that people know you are serious about working and you have standards. So let’s find us a skill. Roofing? That IS a skill. So let’s present it on our platform “Will do roofing, for healthy meals.”

This may sound like it’s a failure, but hear me out. You may narrow down the list of people willing to help you, but you’ve also weeded out the ones that will suck up your time on your way to getting a healthy meal. This is what we call a win-win. Here’s my current platform and you’ll see “Will bring Captain Bullet to his knees for five million dollars!” So far I’ve got eight takers. Now we’re getting into real money. This is because I’ve spent years developing a skill set that allows me to not only hang that shingle, but not get laughed at for hanging it.

Now that you have a better concept of where to take your skillset and how best to present them, define your target market. You see back when we had “will work for food” our target market was anyone who A) had food and B) needed work done. This was a broad spectrum, but also lowered our rates. This was also marketed better to everyone. As opposed to “will cook meth for cash” which WILL net you more money, but also limit your market. That cuts down on who you can market to. Narks, suburbanites, lawyers, novelists, people with brain cells; these are NOT your target market. This only leaves masochists, addicts, televangelists, hookers, and politicians. That cuts down your marketing base. So you might want to market to those left over that are in power and have the finances to support you product. So hookers are definitely the way to go. What? You thought I’d say politicians? Well to be honest they DO have more money, so do televangelists. But where do you think their money goes? That’s right! Hookers! Hookers are the universal common denominator of men in power with money. They also don’t get replaced every four years or spend time weeping about how they’ve sunk into sin. This makes them a reasonably consistent marketing base.

Now you need to summarize the benefits of your services. For that let’s choose a different platform. “Will deal arms for unmarked cash!” always a reasonable idea. My neighborhood arms dealer certainly gets a fair chunk of my disposable cash every time I plan a new campaign, plus I LOVE the product demonstrations. He always has a fresh baked tray of cookies at the demo sites because it just brings back memories of home invasions I used to pull off. Now that, children, is RESEARCH. Live and learn. What are the benefits of weapons? Well there’s security, safety, vengeance… ooo that’s always a good one. Coolness factor is a big one as far as benefits. So already you have a reasonable amount of people who feel very unsafe and very un-cool, and they want a gun. That and you save money in marketing by only offering services through word of mouth.

That only leaves positioning your products and services. Right now my products are an Amnesia Beam aimed at the Spire City Superior Court Building. My service is that I’m going to stop Captain Bullet from testifying about the large local government graft program that seems to be going unchecked in the area. You see, kiddies, that’s why I file politicians as an unstable source of cash. You see they may get out of the courts scott-free, but the constituents are riled up and it’s only going to be a matter of time before they start a pitchfork and torch party. So remember, when you sell your services- get a contract. Because the way my contract is written s that I take Captain Bullet out of the ring for testifying… nobody told me to go and eliminate the evidence.

So your work study for the week is

1. Describe your unique platform i.e. what you can offer for skills.
2. Define your target market. Who do you want to sell to.
3. Write down the benefits of your products or services, because you might have a unique skill set, but it helps no one if they aren’t bright enough to know how to apply it.
4. Describe how you will position your products or services. It does no one any good to say, have a neutron beam and use it on a city full of self-repairing robots.
5. Define your methods, refine your style, and find the best way for the news about your villainy to spread.
6. Your threats mean nothing if you can’t back it up. So make sure you’ve got the skillset for the job you intend to do.
7. Always get a contract. That keeps the suckers from adding to your workload.

Oh and, don’t forget to market to hookers.

This is Doctor Disturbious telling you to love the skin you’re in. even if it isn’t your own. Evil out!!

Doctor Disturbious is the mad alter ego of Jim Dyar who when not plotting revenge, and aspiring to sleep, he can be seen blowing crap up on his website

www.grin-n-spirit.com

Come by and celebrate a decade of being plot free.

Evil 101-7

Five huge obstacles to your evil success story

Doctor Disturbious here! Welcome once again to another packed and exciting bathroom break on your way to absolute evil. Follow me quickly now, and try not to step on any of the frogs in this mildly poisonous swamp. Any one of them could have been someone like you. This cursed blistered wreck of land belongs to the venomous Darkana Traplight. Indeed if you were able to see magic spells like I do with my patented Ever-view Googles™, you’d be able to the air around us is actually pulsing with freakish energy straining at the boundaries of reality. ATTEMPTING TO PENITRATE THAT VAST DEPRESSING FIRMAMENT OF LAWS WE CALL EXISTANCE! Much the same as I’m on my way to grab the solid gold Staff of Souls she has in her possession. Yes I know she’s a villainess, but don’t assume she and I are on the same side. Sometimes when playing the great game, we encounter one person who breaks the rules so completely that the breach is quite unforgivable. In her case? Continuing to assume she’s riding high on the same level of evil as me. AND THAT SIMPLY WONT DO!! That and she turned me in to the authorities. Now I could mumble all night about back stabbing and undermining, but that just doesn’t cut it. I’m simply annoyed she beat me to it, and this is nothing more than a reminder that crossing me is only slightly less dangerous than crossing a street full of old blind people driving El Dorados.

Yes. Yes. I suppose I could have sent her a bomb, but to what extent? An act of retaliation should ALWAYS be a personal event. Otherwise it cheapens the whole revenge process and becomes work, work, work, and more work. If I teach you nothing by the end of this, I WILL TEACH YOU CRAFTMANSHIP AND PRIDE!!

Whoops! Did you see that flash of light? I’ll wager on one of our slimy and detestable group has been turned slimier and more detesting. No worries, they’ll be alright soon. Rub some lemon on it! No. It won’t break the spell, but at least your fellow wiggling worm will smell less like they’ve been rutting on a used orange in the bowels of hell.

Today’s lesson of questionable ethics involves roadblocks, much like this one. There are many obstacles, much like this putrid swamp. Some small, like these pathetic little amphibians hopping frantically trying to cross the mean streets of life. Some large, like those fishy looking swamp men straggling through just on the outskirts of the light. Even some smelling like a bowel blockage under the same pressure you’d find in the heart of stars. Waiting to rear its odiferous head from the great colon we call life. All these things block our path to our goal.

1. Time. Taking the time to be evil. Yes there is never enough time to be evil in a day. Every evil second adds unwaveringly towards an evil minute, and each evil minute unerringly finds its way into an evil hour. However there’s not always enough time to savor the inevitable entropy of this Stygian abyss AND get work done. My recommendation is to spend at least half an hour a day plotting evil. Get good at it. Get VERY good at it. In as little as a half an hour you can train the mind to do incredible evil. And it certainly gets those creative juices flowing.
2. Blocking. Sadly it’s true. Everyone gets evil block eventually. Even the foul abomination that is myself, has moments of self-doubt. Sometimes petty jealousy manages to stop my progress. This sucks off an amazing amount of creativity and leads to procrastination and even just general uninspired-ism. If not controlled it causes you to move onto less fruitful pastures where you go into a normal life because your expectation of success goes so low. If used properly this block can actually be your best friend. Yes jealousy can be interpreted as an augmentation for your drive and motivation. It’s fuel or fester in this epic slice of lunacy we call life. Let yourself realize that while someone else may have beat you, it’s whoever is left holding the stick and able to stand at the end that actually wins.
3. The opposite end of this spectrum block is a biggie too. Being impatient is not for the faint of heart. Timing in this industry is everything. It carries a heavy price if you bring the cage down before the hero is standing on the bulls-eye. Sometimes you have an urge to set off multiple death traps for multiple heroes. This leads to slipshod thoughts and faulty craftsmanship. This is fine if you enjoy wearing blaze orange and have no problem showering with other guys. For the rest of us. There’s intense focus and a drive to streamline. This gives you the time to add those extra special touches. Like competence, and double checking. And of course CAUTIOUS OPTIMISM!!
4. Not succeeding. Expect this. No one likes rejection, not even heroes. When they get rejection though, what can they do? They are bound by the invented whim they call ethics to attempt to lay still and take it. As a villain though you’re expected to get back up and do battle again. This also works out in your favor, because by not being bound to the laws, or even particularly nice. Rejection is an excuse to sharpen you prowess and return to the drawing board for an even bigger splash. And then. With a success or two under your belt, it’s time to get down to brass knuckles with those who rejected you in the first place. I remember my first rejection. Barely. Those who did it will never forget. And that’s the important part.
5. Working the right people! THIS IS IMPORTANT! If you hold a city or a person hostage MAKE CERTAIN THEY CAN PAY OUT!! Holding Podunk Village (population squat) hostage with a atomic bomb would be easy, and successful. You thought small. You came, you squinted at it to make certain it was real, and then you conquered. AND FOR WHAT?? Ten trucks full of turnips and a pack of chewing tobacco?? The cost of eighty five hours scraping the glowing material off 2824 analog clocks just to get something that might react if you hit it with a fission grenade verses going on an all turnip diet and getting addicted to mouth cancer? GOOD ONE!!

And so to sum up while I extract this forty eight pound gold staff from her tent. There are five huge blocks to success. Each one has a counterpoint if you know where to look. Take time for evil every day or your creativity suffers. Jealousy is only good if it motivates you to vacate your buttocks and go for the real gusto. Focus your time and energy on what you really want. Do not scattershot time and resources. Use rejection, own that b*tch and make it your own. Use it for fuel for your way to the top. And find the right market and the right people, or else it doesn’t matter how good you are, it will most always be wasted.

What’s that? You say four foot three of angry enchantress is standing behind me in this tent? Well sometimes that happens. Sometimes you go for the gold only to have your paw slapped like some leg humping spaniel with lofty ideas above their station. Sometimes you are stuck holding the bag, and it’s full of rabid buttock stripping weasels.

And sometimes, like tonight, you even remember to bring a tele-porter…

This is Doctor Disturbious telling you to love the skin you’re in. even if it isn’t your own. Evil out!!

Doctor Disturbious is the mad alter ego of Jim Dyar who when not plotting revenge, and aspiring to sleep, he can be seen blowing crap up on his website

www.grin-n-spirit.com

Come by and celebrate a decade of being plot free.