How to make people want what you got.
GOOD MORNING, you malingering pukes! It is I, Doctor Disturbious, and I have come forth today with yet another winning strategy to get your name remembered with fear and trepidation! Or at least mild fear and some trepidation, if you sorry sacks are willing to put in the effort!
Now it’s not unreasonable in today’s day and age that you can build a reputation for yourself on social media, by knocking over trashcans or jumping out naked in front of bread trucks. And that’s fine, I suppose, for a generation that is sadly represented by stretch-banded T and A, implants, stupid people with stretch-band implants in their T and A, airheads, and other losers who happen to have been molded by a corporate marketing machine into some kind of prefab plasticine crotch-monster. And then it seems like every damnable song that pours out of those poor defenseless speakers is talking about getting on the floor. On the floor. On the floor. Get on the floor. On the dance floor on the floor on the floor on the floor on the floor on the floor. When a real villain has to only to speak once GET ON THE DAMN FLOOR AND STAY THERE YOU MOBILE VIALS OF URIC ACID, OR I”LL BLOW YOU #$%ING BRAINS OUT THEN PRETEND THEY WERE VALUABLE!!
There see? I only needed to say it once and the point came across.
So! The first thing we need to do is to define our unique platform. Well, let’s break it down shall we? So what do you do? Yes you. Stop cringing when I talk to you. Never mind. Keep cringing and just answer. You maim animals. Typical. I am molding the future minds of those who will rise up and challenge gods in battle and we get MOLD! Yes I know. “Yes, Dr. D we all have to start somewhere.” Try starting somewhere competent. You know. For a change? Maybe? Yes?
Stop sniveling. Your platform should be awe inspiring, powerful and at the very least stand a chance of getting caught. What kind of sicko attacks without the thrill of being hunted? We are molding villain’s here, not juvenile delinquents. Low standards everywhere. Makes me so sad I COULD JUST FIRE OFF A HAIL OF BULLETS!!
Alright, that done, a unique platform is what you have that others don’t. Anyone can hold up a sign that says “will work for food” and that’s a platform. It’s a start. You certainly are capable of work. You certainly want food. But let’s say you want better food, because better food is better for you. You can hold up a sign that says, “will work for healthy eating choices.” This platform is a little long, and people might be confused by it. Possibly offering you jobs for pamphlets about dietary lifestyles, which CAN be eaten if nothing else presents itself, since most of them are printed on the same material you find in Hot Pockets.™ So perhaps some kind of skill should be expected so that people know you are serious about working and you have standards. So let’s find us a skill. Roofing? That IS a skill. So let’s present it on our platform “Will do roofing, for healthy meals.”
This may sound like it’s a failure, but hear me out. You may narrow down the list of people willing to help you, but you’ve also weeded out the ones that will suck up your time on your way to getting a healthy meal. This is what we call a win-win. Here’s my current platform and you’ll see “Will bring Captain Bullet to his knees for five million dollars!” So far I’ve got eight takers. Now we’re getting into real money. This is because I’ve spent years developing a skill set that allows me to not only hang that shingle, but not get laughed at for hanging it.
Now that you have a better concept of where to take your skillset and how best to present them, define your target market. You see back when we had “will work for food” our target market was anyone who A) had food and B) needed work done. This was a broad spectrum, but also lowered our rates. This was also marketed better to everyone. As opposed to “will cook meth for cash” which WILL net you more money, but also limit your market. That cuts down on who you can market to. Narks, suburbanites, lawyers, novelists, people with brain cells; these are NOT your target market. This only leaves masochists, addicts, televangelists, hookers, and politicians. That cuts down your marketing base. So you might want to market to those left over that are in power and have the finances to support you product. So hookers are definitely the way to go. What? You thought I’d say politicians? Well to be honest they DO have more money, so do televangelists. But where do you think their money goes? That’s right! Hookers! Hookers are the universal common denominator of men in power with money. They also don’t get replaced every four years or spend time weeping about how they’ve sunk into sin. This makes them a reasonably consistent marketing base.
Now you need to summarize the benefits of your services. For that let’s choose a different platform. “Will deal arms for unmarked cash!” always a reasonable idea. My neighborhood arms dealer certainly gets a fair chunk of my disposable cash every time I plan a new campaign, plus I LOVE the product demonstrations. He always has a fresh baked tray of cookies at the demo sites because it just brings back memories of home invasions I used to pull off. Now that, children, is RESEARCH. Live and learn. What are the benefits of weapons? Well there’s security, safety, vengeance… ooo that’s always a good one. Coolness factor is a big one as far as benefits. So already you have a reasonable amount of people who feel very unsafe and very un-cool, and they want a gun. That and you save money in marketing by only offering services through word of mouth.
That only leaves positioning your products and services. Right now my products are an Amnesia Beam aimed at the Spire City Superior Court Building. My service is that I’m going to stop Captain Bullet from testifying about the large local government graft program that seems to be going unchecked in the area. You see, kiddies, that’s why I file politicians as an unstable source of cash. You see they may get out of the courts scott-free, but the constituents are riled up and it’s only going to be a matter of time before they start a pitchfork and torch party. So remember, when you sell your services- get a contract. Because the way my contract is written s that I take Captain Bullet out of the ring for testifying… nobody told me to go and eliminate the evidence.
So your work study for the week is
- Describe your unique platform i.e. what you can offer for skills.
- Define your target market. Who do you want to sell to.
- Write down the benefits of your products or services, because you might have a unique skill set, but it helps no one if they aren’t bright enough to know how to apply it.
- Describe how you will position your products or services. It does no one any good to say, have a neutron beam and use it on a city full of self-repairing robots.
- Define your methods, refine your style, and find the best way for the news about your villainy to spread.
- Your threats mean nothing if you can’t back it up. So make sure you’ve got the skillset for the job you intend to do.
- Always get a contract. That keeps the suckers from adding to your workload.
Oh and, don’t forget to market to hookers.
This is Doctor Disturbious telling you to love the skin you’re in. even if it isn’t your own. Evil out!!
Doctor Disturbious is the mad alter ego of Jim Dyar who when not plotting revenge, and aspiring to sleep, he can be seen blowing crap up on his website
Come by and celebrate a decade of being plot free.