Evil lairs, are they sub-prime or a springboard to the stars?
Greetings you pusillanimous larvae! Today your old pal Doctor Disturbious has a treat for you! No. No. It’s not candy! Never EVER accept candy from strangers. One way or another it will make your butt hurt. Today’s lesson in difficult deviousness involves THE PERFECT EVIL LAIR!!
Yes. You heard right. This is a villain’s sanctum above all sanctum. As deep and meaningful for the hero as much as the villain because while the hero might be spending some time there in various death traps, this is the villain’s home away from home. The place where they can think, the place where they can plan, the place where they can scratch at various places where they itch and no one will ever see except the easily intimidated minions. Yes indeed. When it comes to creative thought, the lair of the beast holds few equals. So let us begin.
- Research the neighborhood. I cannot stress this enough. If your evil lair opens straight up to happy-happy-fun-shine territory, you’ll spend more time stalking your balcony; dreaming of murder and dribbling about the mouth and nose about how wretched the damn place is, than you will getting any evil done. The only consolation would be that you’d bring down property values. But with the wrong neighbors they’ll just smile politely, sigh and talk about how nice it is to have some diversity in the neighborhood, and that they really don’t mind the dark haven of wretchedness if only you’d spruce it up with some flowers and paint it a little more average. Then some beehive haired mother will come by while you’re about to break the laws of physics, and interrupt your train of thought by giving you a robust cake or a pile of fruit tarts, or some other neighborly confection that will taste like wax fruit and cause your bowels to run like a champion just before the Olympic games and force your water bill to double over the course of the next few days while you discover who in your area can airlift in a crate of soft toilet paper. No. This never happened to me, but it’s a BEST case scenario.
- Look at several lairs before you invest. It’s a good idea to take some time before you commit. Since the average time spent in an evil lair after the hero has broken in and practically leveled everything is almost zero, it’s a good idea to have several great ideas on hand. You also might want to have them far enough away from each other that the hero’s super sight can’t figure out that is where you’re going to go next. And that’s just a little common sense from your teacher and mentor. Take a lesson from Professor Frustrated who put all his secret bases so close by that he could run from one to another and pull the bolt hole shut. Nice thought. Might have worked if not for the fact that his sworn enemy was Take-n-go Tommy, the superior speedster. Best not to have your bases related unless you want to go from a tragic loss to an epic loss in a five-minute span.
- Invest in a professional opinion! Here’s my card. I do lair inspection and research services. My professional advice is always on plumb and I can usually spot the stupid ideas. Like the time Robiticious Rex decided to pick Mystic Bog as the base for his evil empire. He and all his minions are still out there. Rusting away. Polluting the beauty of nature with their ugly square jaw visages. You see, poor choices in an evil lair can cause more than just a few minor inconveniences, and has nothing to do with the fact he refused to hire my services.
- Choose based on need not want. Yes. Yes. We all want that lair of all lairs on a high craggy mountainside with armed yeti’s crisscrossing the forests looking for anyone edible. The ones with the huge satellite dish for interrupting the world’s television feed so that your latest plan to level a city would be taken seriously. Huge computer banks as well as huge atomic missiles waiting to blow the hell out of fifth and main. Where your own big breasted personal guard are waiting to seduce and dispose of your stylish European enemy. Truth is those are luxuries that you most usually neither need nor can support. Personally I’m simple. All I require is adequate electrical and the possibility that somewhere in the base is a functioning toilet. Or a minion with a shovel and no sense of smell. Remember, this is no place to keep your trophies, because heroes will usually be wanting those back. Especially if those trophies happened to be a completely shrunken city of your choice, or even Epic Girl’s panties. That was a holiday party I won’t soon forget, but MOVING ON!!
- Do NOT overbid. In fact the best bases I’ve ever have were acquired reasonably by releasing radioactive cricket players or some other infestation in the area and buying up property while people are begging to get out. Forethought! That’s the key to success.
- Don’t choose a lair for its décor. True story, I once bought one from the Diamond Menace. It was quite awesome. Had everything I wanted. Then as they were hauling away stuff I realized I hadn’t read the contract well enough. Everything that was in there was only for show. “Furnishings not provided.” Was the sub-sub clause. Do you have any idea how hard it is to politely but firmly remind a living diamond that jerking people around is the quick way to becoming a commodity? It only cost him an arm and a leg.
- Don’t trust real estate ads. No joke. Photo manipulation is a big deal these days, bringing us the illusion of lush lawns, white paint, and even seven-foot long day glow penises. Start with the assumption that seeing isn’t always believing and you’ll do fine.
- And finally, don’t buy the most expensive one. Remember, the average evil lair in the real world is only good for at most five schemes. Don’t expect to keep it once the Fed’s seize it and retail it for a return investment they made in capturing your tight little buttocks after you leveled a major city, and don’t give them the pleasure of getting a decent return. The minion with the shovel trick usually works in more ways than one. Personally my self-destruct switch pours ferro-concrete though the entire sewer for a seven mile radius. Frankly they can have the lair when I’m done. I’m not stupid enough to store anything important there. And then there are the smiling neighbors with the wax fruit tarts and the beehive dos having to drive out-of-town just to go to the bathroom. And when you’re sitting in prison, thinking about the fun you’ve just been busted for- well, you just can’t put a price on that.
This is Doctor Disturbious telling you to love the skin you’re in. even if it isn’t your own. Evil out!!
Doctor Disturbious is the mad alter ego of Jim Dyar who when not plotting revenge, and aspiring to sleep, he can be seen blowing crap up on his website
Come by and celebrate a decade of being plot free.