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Evil 101-7

Five huge obstacles to your evil success story


Doctor Disturbious here! Welcome once again to another packed and exciting bathroom break on your way to absolute evil. Follow me quickly now, and try not to step on any of the frogs in this mildly poisonous swamp. Any one of them could have been someone like you. This cursed blistered wreck of land belongs to the venomous Darkana Traplight. Indeed if you were able to see magic spells like I do with my patented Ever-view Goggles™, you’d be able to the air around us is actually pulsing with freakish energy straining at the boundaries of reality. ATTEMPTING TO PENETRATE THAT VAST DEPRESSING FIRMAMENT OF LAWS WE CALL EXISTENCE! Much the same as I’m on my way to grab the solid gold Staff of Souls she has in her possession. Yes I know she’s a villainess, but don’t assume she and I are on the same side. Sometimes when playing the great game, we encounter one person who breaks the rules so completely that the breach is quite unforgivable. In her case? Continuing to assume she’s riding high on the same level of evil as me. AND THAT SIMPLY WONT DO!! That and she turned me in to the authorities. Now I could mumble all night about back stabbing and undermining, but that just doesn’t cut it. I’m simply annoyed she beat me to it, and this is nothing more than a reminder that crossing me is only slightly less dangerous than crossing a street full of old blind people driving El Dorados.

Yes. Yes. I suppose I could have sent her a bomb, but to what extent? An act of retaliation should ALWAYS be a personal event. Otherwise it cheapens the whole revenge process and becomes work, work, work, and more work. If I teach you nothing by the end of this, I WILL TEACH YOU CRAFTSMANSHIP AND PRIDE!!

Whoops! Did you see that flash of light? I’ll wager on one of our slimy and detestable group has been turned slimier and more detesting. No worries, they’ll be alright soon. Rub some lemon on it! No. It won’t break the spell, but at least your fellow wiggling worm will smell less like they’ve been rutting on a used orange in the bowels of hell.

Today’s lesson of questionable ethics involves roadblocks, much like this one. There are many obstacles, much like this putrid swamp. Some small, like these pathetic little amphibians hopping frantically trying to cross the mean streets of life. Some large, like those fishy looking swamp men straggling through just on the outskirts of the light. Even some smelling like a bowel blockage under the same pressure you’d find in the heart of stars. Waiting to rear its odiferous head from the great colon we call life. All these things block our path to our goal.

  1. Time. Taking the time to be evil. Yes there is never enough time to be evil in a day. Every evil second adds unwaveringly towards an evil minute, and each evil minute unerringly finds its way into an evil hour. However there’s not always enough time to savor the inevitable entropy of this Stygian abyss AND get work done. My recommendation is to spend at least half an hour a day plotting evil. Get good at it. Get VERY good at it. In as little as a half an hour you can train the mind to do incredible evil. And it certainly gets those creative juices flowing.
  2. Blocking. Sadly it’s true. Everyone gets evil block eventually. Even the foul abomination that is myself, has moments of self-doubt. Sometimes petty jealousy manages to stop my progress. This sucks off an amazing amount of creativity and leads to procrastination and even just general uninspired-ism. If not controlled it causes you to move onto less fruitful pastures where you go into a normal life because your expectation of success goes so low. If used properly this block can actually be your best friend. Yes jealousy can be interpreted as an augmentation for your drive and motivation. It’s fuel or fester in this epic slice of lunacy we call life. Let yourself realize that while someone else may have beat you, it’s whoever is left holding the stick and able to stand at the end that actually wins.
  3. The opposite end of this spectrum block is a biggie too. Being impatient is not for the faint of heart. Timing in this industry is everything. It carries a heavy price if you bring the cage down before the hero is standing on the bulls-eye. Sometimes you have an urge to set off multiple death traps for multiple heroes. This leads to slipshod thoughts and faulty craftsmanship. This is fine if you enjoy wearing blaze orange and have no problem showering with other guys. For the rest of us. There’s intense focus and a drive to streamline. This gives you the time to add those extra special touches. Like competence, and double checking. And of course CAUTIOUS OPTIMISM!!
  4. Not succeeding. Expect this. No one likes rejection, not even heroes. When they get rejection though, what can they do? They are bound by the invented whim they call ethics to attempt to lay still and take it. As a villain though you’re expected to get back up and do battle again. This also works out in your favor, because by not being bound to the laws, or even particularly nice. Rejection is an excuse to sharpen you prowess and return to the drawing board for an even bigger splash. And then. With a success or two under your belt, it’s time to get down to brass knuckles with those who rejected you in the first place. I remember my first rejection. Barely. Those who did it will never forget. And that’s the important part.
  5. Working the right people! THIS IS IMPORTANT! If you hold a city or a person hostage MAKE CERTAIN THEY CAN PAY OUT!! Holding Podunk Village (population squat) hostage with a atomic bomb would be easy, and successful. You thought small. You came, you squinted at it to make certain it was real, and then you conquered. AND FOR WHAT?? Ten trucks full of turnips and a pack of chewing tobacco?? The cost of eighty five hours scraping the glowing material off 2824 analog clocks just to get something that might react if you hit it with a fission grenade verses going on an all turnip diet and getting addicted to mouth cancer? GOOD ONE!!

And so to sum up while I extract this forty eight pound gold staff from her tent. There are five huge blocks to success. Each one has a counterpoint if you know where to look. Take time for evil every day or your creativity suffers. Jealousy is only good if it motivates you to vacate your buttocks and go for the real gusto. Focus your time and energy on what you really want. Do not scattershot time and resources. Use rejection, own that b*tch and make it your own. Use it for fuel for your way to the top. And find the right market and the right people, or else it doesn’t matter how good you are, it will most always be wasted.

What’s that? You say four foot three of angry enchantress is standing behind me in this tent? Well sometimes that happens. Sometimes you go for the gold only to have your paw slapped like some leg humping spaniel with lofty ideas above their station. Sometimes you are stuck holding the bag, and it’s full of rabid buttock stripping weasels.

And sometimes, like tonight, you even remember to bring a tele-porter…


This is Doctor Disturbious telling you to love the skin you’re in. even if it isn’t your own. Evil out!!

Doctor Disturbious is the mad alter ego of Jim Dyar who when not plotting revenge, and aspiring to sleep, he can be seen blowing crap up on his website

Come by and celebrate a decade of being plot free.





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Doctor Disturbious is the mad alter ego of Jim Dyar who when not plotting revenge, and aspiring to sleep, he can be seen blowing crap up on his website Come by and celebrate a decade of being plot free.

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