Finding your inner arch fiend
Doctor Disturbious here. Today’s lesson is coming at a quick pace because we are short on time. We have exactly twenty two minutes until the District City mall is about to light up with some seriously festive holiday designs… FOR THE FOURTH OF JULY, MAYBE!! Yes it’s once again time for me, your teacher and comrade in evil to present you with another lesson in how to best serve the world ON A PLATTER!!
Today’s topic of dysfunctional delight is FINDING YOUR INNER FIEND. Yes it’s true. Not everyone is so lucky as to be dropped into a vat of DNA altering acid, or getting fused to a cool looking robotic skeleton, or elected despot of a proud but incredibly stupid people. SOME OF US HAVE TO WORK FOR IT!! It’s true. Sometimes the best motivations are those that involve getting up every morning and throwing ourselves on that great wheel of pain we call life. Yes, a wise man once said “we are organic pain collectors racing towards oblivion.” On THAT beautiful note I shall endeavor to teach you wiggling maggots the best way to get up and set a fire in your belly!!
- Write your story! Yes it’s true. Nothing says “My @$$ need a fire lit,” than to see how little you’ve already accomplished in your lifetime. You want it? Describe it! Seethe for it! It’s said that all the great men have already written an epitaph. Sometimes it’s even their own!
- Visualize the future! Yes. I’ve done this a few times. It’s actually sometimes better to do this BEFORE you implement your “Master Plan”™ Or else the only future you’ll be able to visualize will be the huge ham fist of justice striking a blow or twenty on your more delicate facial features. However after this you get to go to prison where they have excellent health care and dental. Add to you can creatively visualize about what you’d REALLY like to do when you get out. While you’re there, take every opportunity to EDUCATE YOURSELF. Because prisons offer a curriculum you can find no place else, and maybe next time you won’t need to be educated BECAUSE YOU MADE A PLAN THAT WORKED!!
- Get organized! Absolutely. The most dastardly plan you can have will mean nothing if the good guys discover it. So work out what needs to be done, and file that stuff away. Also make certain to organize your evil lair in a way you can keep track of things. That way when the good guy shows up and knocks you over that damnable pile of Publishers Clearing House letters you’ve been stacking up and planning to submit because you have a not so secret fetish for a table sized check, you can rise up with your Ultimate Death Ray™ and shoot the blighter right in that self-righteous brooding forehead..
- Place motivators around your home and secret lair! Yes. Yes. We all have one. I have a life sized pin up of Captain Ethical on the wall of my lair. This inspires me to monologue BEFORE the goody two shoes comes by and thwarts my plans. This keeps me on my toes, reminds me of whom I’m fighting against. Besides, it burns like HELL when they see it and realize that you managed to get it autographed RIGHT UNDER THEIR NOSE!! And truly, nothing is more inspiring than that.
- Volunteer! Yes it’s true. I have been known to do that. This class is one such method, where I am slowly molding the decayed minds of a new generation. It also works well if you need to find out something about the company you intend to plunder. There’s also a third option called COMMUNITY SERVICE. Which you’ll need eventually to convince a judge that you need fresh air and sunshine to rehabilitate. Remember work credits shave time off your sentence, and after all that time cleaning up your mess you’ll learn how to blow it up properly next time.
- Help others with motivation! Well there was that time I helped a bank full of patrons to lose a collective three hundred pounds by forcing them to jog in place until they collapsed. That won me a Jenny Craig award that I keep with my other motivators.
- Find a role model! Yes, this especially true in this day and age as our noble childhood heroes all falter. I was heartbroken myself when The Avarice admitted that money wasn’t everything. Oh how our heroes collapse, and take our dreams with them. If I was the melancholy sort I’d almost be tempted to give up and join the ranks of… (shudder) heroes. Fortunately for the world I’m not.
- Create a buddy system! This works quite well, despite the all chiefs and no Indians approach to villainy. It helps considerably to have a colleague to compete with, to swap evil stories with, to help you dispose of a body… all the good things!
- Listen to music! I’ve never wanted to destroy something more than when I hear a pop music song and realize these people are getting paid to make noises that would shame a rutting pig.
- Watch motivating movies! This helps as well. The twelve part series on torture devices from the middle ages that I stole off the History Channel never fails to get me motivated.
- Set clear goals! I can’t stress that enough! How will you know you’ve succeeded if you CAN’T FIGURE OUT YOU’VE SUCCEEDED!!
- Use deadlines! Yes. “If you fail to deliver 5 million dollars in small unmarked bills to the crook of the tree of First and Wilkinshire, you’ll never see your city again.” Is always a good one or “If you don’t stand still, your friend here will drop straight into a pool of sharks, do I make myself clear??!” Always ask questions and establish a dialogue. You have no idea if the hero you’re thwarting is capable of understanding what you are ordering them to do. You’re not even certain they are capable of getting the irony of your attack. It pays to ask.
- Remember to reward your milestones! This is important. You need to feel good about yourself too! Don’t become this tired, burned out old man who doesn’t realize all the bad he’s done has touched lives and brought tears to people. Once it becomes work, work, and more work you will have lost that spark. By that point being arrested will seem like a good thing.
So I summary, because I like summaries, there are many ways to get motivated, make use of them. Burnout is bad. If that happens, call me, and I will come over with a bomb that will motivate the hell out of you. And that somewhere under that average face and average eyes is a violent angry person with a unique set of ideas that never fail to astound and terrify. Find the inner you that people can’t stand to look at, and set them free. If there is disastrous results, remember that’s what you wanted.
NOW RUN LIKE HELL BECAUSE THE CLOCK’S ALMOST RUN…
This is Doctor Disturbious telling you to love the skin you’re in. even if it isn’t your own. Evil out!!
Doctor Disturbious is the mad alter ego of Jim Dyar who when not plotting revenge, and aspiring to sleep, he can be seen blowing crap up on his website
Come by and celebrate a decade of being plot free.