Or how to properly construct an evil reputation, or failing that, write an evil book.
So my little struggling maggots! You thought you would be able to pull one over on Doctor Disturbious! YOU NOSY KIDS AND YOUR MEDDLING DOG…!! Oh? You’re here for the class? Ahhhh. My apologies, things have been going evil so long, they look like good to me… In the last class I told you how profiling your enemy was good for a couple laughs and capable of adding a new aspect to the old evil ways. This week I give you a new lesson. This will allow you to turn those not so nice generic thoughts into world class evil abs of steel. Yes. This week we work on STAYING POWER. Because while the hero is nearly invulnerable and has a mind like a steel trap. They bore easily. They wander off. If they were fighting fires they’d be back every week with no idea who it is that keeps starting the fires, when the reality is it’s the fact they never did the follow through that allows the hot subsurface coals back into raging firestorm of unenviable hostility. Yes. Heroes are in it for the money shot, and are often faster here and faster gone than your average villain. Evil lovin’ is a seven day a week thing, while most good guys have secret identities they feel the need to scamper off to. So let’s get down to it.
- Start small- Yes it’s true. There are a number of supervillains who started out small. Petty theft leads to raiding a liquor store, leads to knocking over a bank, leads to stealing a Maltese Falcon. First learn walk then learn run, then learn fly. Remember the moto “Evil every day.” And follow through with it! There are some days I can’t do much more than tossing my clipped toenails into the neighbor’s morning power breakfast protein shake. But it’s evil and it’s evil with a commitment. So I do it.
- Have an outline- Has this ever happened to you? You have this huge grand finisher and you can’t wait to implement it. You spend all night setting up and reinforcing the trap. Then… BLAST THE NEITHERHELLS!! YOU FORGOT TO KIDNAP THE @#%$@#ING MAYOR!! The whole plan has no continuity and you are stuck with a beautiful trap waiting to rust because NO ONE COULD CARE THAT YOU HAVE IT!! Think things THROUGH people!!
- Set time aside to work on evil every day- Yes. This is crucial. You need to have a daily time every day that the evil creativity flows out of you. Giving it a time frame makes it flow the best. You are conditioning your mind that at 3pm in the afternoon you will suddenly have an evil idea worth implementing. Don’t be stuck as a b-rate villain. Get in those good evil creating habits early.
- Set a limit- Yes, and this is your old buddy Doctor Disturbious sharing this with you. Focusing only on revenge against your hated enemy will burn you out quickly. Make your mind singularly oriented, and you’ll miss the good things in life. And what is worse? It will show. The best example for this was the Mad Muldas Mellowshoot. A failed professor of modern mayhem. I say failed because he spent years plotting scheming and attempting to kill Commander Suplex. He created scheme after scheme. But yet, in the end, the good Commander simply retired the cape and went back to his job as a luchador. Mellowshoot never was the same again. He would often attempt to rob banks in a house coat and fuzzy slippers. He would spend all of his tea time with little stuffed animals dressed just enough like the heroes to make him feel they were real, but not enough to invoke trademark lawyers. Eventually someone would feel sorry for him and have him incarcerated for old time’s sake, but he was really too pathetic. So pathetic no jail could hold him. Eventually he got a job as a janitor at the Hall of Justice when the money ran out. Never even took advantage of that. Rather sad really.
- Give yourself weekly deadlines. This is crucial! If you spend time messing around but miss the deadline for your own machinations, then you could spend your time stuck in your evil trap with a hero. Take it from someone who knows. Six hours in a bubble of adamant with someone preaching at you about how “your wicked ways has brought you here.” Is only slightly better than having your testicles become magnetized to silicates and then set to explode on contact with broken glass. Never mind the fact that the “ways of good” trapped him in there with me. OH NO! HE COULDN’T BE BOTHERED TO RECOGNIZE THAT!!
- Get early feedback- Yeah. Essential. If a child of seven can spot the hole in your plan, go back to the drawing board. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.
- Put it into motion- Don’t just leave a plan in the back of the evil plan book. MAKE IT SO, BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW!! It could be your best one yet.
- Embrace failure- It’s a sad truth, but ninety percent of evil plans never survive the first year. You are tackling nearly godlike beings on their home turf. Expect to go back to the lab a few times. So saying also plan your jailbreaks IN ADVANCE TO GETTING CAUGHT!! Not everyone can bust out a Christopher Daniel Gay move! Never go into a crime spree without expecting to get caught. Remember, the rebound is just as good as the original swish. What matters is that it’s all net!
- Always have a second plan- This one seems pretty straight forward. The truth is though, it’s not. It’s not easy to go back and make another plan. Even if the first one was wildly successful. Never rest on your laurels. Never assume what you did was good enough. Let the hero’s think they’ve cornered the market on competence. Meanwhile you keep plotting your revenge, building your engines of destruction, and above all, never giving up.
And that’s your starting point in a nutshell. We all want to be huge successes, as we wrangle our battle with huge powerful enemies. We all won’t make it. Some of us will settle down, raise a marginally less evil family and hope for their son’s or daughter’s or even neither’s to build the machines that bring terror to the future, and make kids and adults of the world never sleep well at night again. For a few of us, success brings more failures of its own. Once we implement that plan to wack Captain Outrageous, and… well, we wack Captain Outrageous, we can never again know the glory of fighting and struggling with our mortal enemy. Of making the seas boil and the lands shake. Of reaching for the moon and sending it hurtling to earth like hot full tongue kiss from some twisted planetary sized porno. So cherish these small times of evil. While you are still mortal, and can cherish the value of striving. Then get out there and set your traps! Because if something is going to happen to someone, be the something.
This is Doctor Disturbious telling you to love the skin you’re in. even if it isn’t your own. Evil out!!
Doctor Disturbious is the mad alter ego of Jim Dyar who when not plotting revenge, and aspiring to sleep, he can be seen blowing crap up on his website
Come by and celebrate a decade of being plot free.